What your Mario Kart character says about you
I would be so surprised if any of these are accurate.
In this week’s handle with care, a summary of Kanye West’s current drama, Oscar nominations, and a “Bachelor” recap.
In celebration of the new “Mario Kart 8” DLC for the Nintendo Switch being announced this week, I picked up the game again for the first time in over a year! I will absolutely toot my own horn and say that I’m like… really good at “Mario Kart.” I’m the drift queen! I’ve perfected my character + kart + glider combo! If you have a guess at which character I play as based on the descriptions below, please leave it in the comments!
Mario: You love playing Wordle, and somehow, you’ve never lost your AirPods.
Luigi: Your favorite holiday is Halloween. And I think you’ve dressed up as a Minion for it before!
Princess Peach: You’re either a Libra or eight years old. You’ve also had a wedding Pinterest board that you’ve updated regularly since you were 13.
Daisy: You were obsessed with One Direction, and cried when Zayn left. But it’s fine because you’re a Harry stan now!
Rosalina: You listen to Phoebe Bridgers and Mitski. I think you own too many candles.
Yoshi: You’re quirky in a fun, Zooey Deschanel way. You own more than one pair of overalls.
Bowser: You were involved in Greek life in college, and that’s all you talk about now.
Dry Bowser: You’re an alpha type, and you’re definitely on a niche subreddit.
Donkey Kong: You are obsessed with podcasts or audiobooks. Not both.
Toad: You still talk about “Uncut Gems,” and how it was snubbed at the Oscars.
Toadette: You keep getting bangs even though you know how high maintenance they are.
Koopa Troopa: You would probably win “Wheel of Fortune” if you tried it.
Shy Guy: You Shazam a song instead of asking what it’s called.
Wario: You applied Marie Kondo’s organization methods, but it didn’t last very long.
Waluigi: You relate to George Constanza a little too much.
Lakitu: You need the room to be completely dark or else you can’t fall asleep.
Metal Mario: You have an extensive tote bag collection. You probably own one from NPR.
Pink Gold Peach: You’re really good at doing your makeup, and you first got into it because of Bethany Mota or another beauty YouTuber from her time.
Any of the babies (Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Rosalina): You reference “SpongeBob” more than the average person.
Any Koopaling (Iggy, Roy, Lemmy, Larry, Ludwig, Morton): You wait until your phone battery drains to charge it. However, if you play as Wendy, you’re a material girl.
Tanooki Mario: You have a collection of something really random. Like magnets or something.
Cat Peach: You have to go grocery shopping at least three times a week because you don’t make a list the first time.
Link: You need to wear blue light blockers. That’s why you get headaches all the time!
Isabelle: You own sooooooooo many gel pens.
Animal Crossing Villager: You journal regularly, but you never finish the notebook because you find a prettier one that you want to use immediately.
Mii: You don’t wash your face.
Kanye v. Everyone
Kanye West is determined to seek attention by any means. On Thursday, he made an Instagram post asking Billie Eilish to apologize to Travis Scott about a comment she made during her tour last week. Eilish spotted a fan having trouble breathing in the crowd, stopped the show and said, “I wait for people to be okay until I keep going.”
Many people assumed the statement was related to the tragedy at Astroworld last fall. Kanye is threatening to pull out of Coachella unless Eilish apologizes. She said this in response: “literally never said a thing about travis. was just helping a fan.” This whole thing felt like déjà vu to me, as someone who watched Those VMAs as a child.
It seems that Kanye West is still upset at Kim Kardashian for dating Pete Davidson, so yesterday, he declared that Kid Cudi will not be featured on “Donda 2.” In a deleted post, West said, “Just so everyone knows Cudi will not be on Donda because he’s friends with you know who. We all speak Billie language now.” “You know who” refers to Davidson, friend of Kid Cudi and boyfriend of Kim Kardashian. This dinner is now cursed! Kid Cudi tweeted in response and commented on the Instagram post saying:
“Too bad I dont wanna be on ur album u fuckin dinosaur hahaha 🤣everyone knows ive been the best thing about ur albums since i met u. Ima pray u for brother. ✌🏾”
And now let’s hypothesize on what Kanye would come for Timothée Chalamet about! I think North will start posting Timothée edits on TikTok after she watches “Little Women” for the first time.
Greta Gerwig’s first nonwhite casting <3
America Ferrera and Simu Liu are going to star alongside Ryan Gosling and Margot Robbie in Gerwig’s “Barbie” movie, which means I’m even more serious about it being my “Joker.” But I really have to wait until next year to watch it…
Here’s Dua Lipa doing her viral dance, just for fun!!
OG Duanators remember when she was cyberbullied for not knowing how to dance during her debut era. My newsletter writing sister got to work before “Future Nostalgia” was released, and now I really want to see her on tour.
The Oscars were very good to two couples
By far, the cutest part of Tuesday’s Oscar nominations was Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons, and Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem getting recognition together. Dunst finally got her first Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress for “The Power of the Dog,” and Plemons, who also starred in the Jane Campion film, received one for Best Supporting Actor. Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem both received leading actor nods; Cruz for her work in “Parallel Mothers,” and Bardem for “Being the Ricardos.” The rest of the nominations are available here. And you all know I’m elated about Andrew Garfield getting a Best Actor nomination!!!
Speaking of the Academy Awards, they will have three hosts this year. According to The Hollywood Reporter, there will be one host per hour. Not the Oscars turning into a group project! This reporting makes me feel certain that Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are getting the gig this year, but what’s stopping them from getting HAIM to do it?
The Bachelor Week 5 Recap
Picking up on where we left off last week (my pet peeve is when this show doesn’t do the more convenient group date + two one-on-one per episode), Serene still has a one-on-one date with Clayton in Houston. They went to the Galveston Island Pleasure Pier, which was all for themselves that day. It actually looked like a fun date! They went on rides, played the pier games, and had ice cream. Clayton was afraid Serene’s feelings towards him weren’t as strong, but it turned out that she was holding back. At dinner, Serene opened up about losing two family members she was very close to. The thing I notice that Clayton does a lot whenever a woman is sharing something personal, is that he doesn’t really say much. No condolences or words of encouragement, just a blanket, “Thank you for sharing.” Nonetheless, Serene accepts his rose.
Moving on to the Houston rose ceremony, Clayton calls the women that won the football group date (Marlena, Susie, Sarah, Genevieve, Teddi, Sierra, and Mara) over to talk about Shanae crashing the after party before starting the cocktail party. They tell him about the comments she made and how she threw the trophy, the latter somehow becoming Shanae’s real crime. He asked to talk to Shanae, and the rest of the women started to speculate on if it was finally time for her to leave. Instead, Clayton suggests she apologize to everyone for throwing the trophy. So she walked over and stood in front of the women in “tears” to apologize. Susie accepted her apology and wanted to move on, but most of the other women were not impressed. Shanae alerted Clayton that the apology went well, and then they made out!! In an ITM, Shanae basically said the women ate up her fake tears, called herself Meryl Streep, and asked for an Emmy, Golden Globe, and an Oscar. Guys, I think she thinks a Golden Globe is part of an EGOT…
I guess that was the whole cocktail party??? Jesse Palmer said it was time for the rose ceremony, and Rachel, Teddi (who won the last group date rose apparently?), and Serene were safe from elimination. Clayton gave roses to Sarah, Marlena, Genevieve, Mara, Gabby, Susie, Eliza, Hunter, and Shanae. Jill, Lyndsey, and Sierra were sent home, and Sierra had some parting words for Clayton: “Choose a girl for the man you’re going to become, not the man you are right now. Don’t be stupid.” We’ll see Sierra again in “Paradise,” I’m sure. The next day, everyone travels to the next international destination… Toronto, Canada!! Forget a shrimp counter, we needed to know how many times they showed Drake’s CN Tower in this episode.
Upon arrival, Gabby got the first one-on-one date this week, and they set off for a little helicopter tour. After that, they do stereotypical Canadian activities together, like play street hockey in a park and eat a beaver tail. Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives for Eliza, Hunter, Mara, Marlena, Rachel, Sarah, Serene, and Teddi. Two women were left out: Genevieve and Shanae, which means the classic two-on-one date is going to return! During the rest of Gabby and Clayton’s date, she opens up to him about her inconsistent relationship with her mother growing up, and the lack of a relationship today. Clayton gives her a rose in return, and they make out in a pool.
The group date was led by comedian Russell Peters, who reveals that all the women have to roast Clayton and each other on stage. Marlena went first and came for Clayton and how he kisses his mother, Hunter and her IBS, and compared Shanae to herpes. Sarah called Mara a cougar, and Mara said Sarah is not wife material because she’s 13. Everyone had something to say about Shanae. At the after party, Clayton is impressed with Marlena, who has done a great job on two group dates in a row now. Unfortunately for Marlena, Rachel had a nice chat (and makeout) with Clayton, and she ended up with the group date rose.
The two-on-one date card said, “Into the Falls your journey goes, only one comes out with a rose.” Not bad, “Bachelor” date card writers. Genevieve and Shanae leave their packed suitcases at the door, and ride a limo in silence to Niagara Falls to meet Clayton. Instead of watching the falls from afar, they go on a ferry to get up close. Shanae is confident she could send another woman home, meanwhile, Genevieve is afraid to even interact with Shanae. This is where the episode ends, but in next week’s preview, it looks like it’s going to be a rough one.
If you’re new around here, The To-Do List is a recurring section in handle with care where I talk about my celebrity crushes and whatever they’re up to. This week while promoting “Uncharted,” Tom Holland was on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show playing a game called “Sit Down, Stand Up.” He had to guess which of his celebrity friends were sitting down or standing up when he called them on the phone. He called Timothée Chalamet, and this video was the result:
This interaction is fueling the “Timothée as Harry Osborn in the next ‘Spider-Man’ movie” movement. They [Marvel Studios] need to give the people what they want!
My friend Yesenia started her own Substack newsletter called, “instant feedback,” and it’s the greatest. She always introduces me to something new, so I’m more than happy to read even more of her thoughts and recommendations!
I feel like this was a longer newsletter than usual, so thanks for reading, friends!! I had such a weird week, but the random (and concerning) winter heat wave we got in Southern California made me really optimistic and hopeful for spring. I even did a floral arrangement yesterday! Now to watch the Super Bowl, get a Kendrick Lamar song stuck in my head the rest of the month, and pray there are no “Taylor’s Version” announcements to terrorize me during the commercials the way the Colin Jost and Scarlett Johannson Amazon commercials do. Byeeeeeee!!!